The Stucked Breath

INNALLAHA MA SABIREEN - "Surely, Allah is with those that are patient” I am uttering this line every now and then nowadays. It's easier saying to hold patience than doing the same. But after certain amount of actions there is nothing one can do rather waiting for the outcome... more precisely it can be said for the positive outcome. Heart does not want any negative result but prepares for the worst to hear. ... and that waiting period feels like a hell of a time.. seems like the breath has been caught inside your chest in such a way like a heavy stone on your chest... and the time period feels like ages.

My hearts asks for to quit ... quit everything and go away either to the sea or on the hills inside the clouds... I love to look at sea and autumn sky...but at the same time I am scared of water and height.. funny naah..??

I want to leave my job, go away from the known people and want to build a life in the busy NewYork city and earn living by sitting in a library, swiping the pages of the books, making list of them , reading articles....and sipping coffees and biting cold sandwiches when feel hungry.. is there any work like that? I don't know seems like a dream job for me..

It's not like i am ungrateful for my current job, Allah rescued me through this job at a crucial time when I needed it most... it kinda saved me from a tyrant ..at least at that time..

But I don't feel like doing it anymore. I want to do something else in life. I do not know what how but I feel trapped.

The thought of life after death fascinates me... i am living a life where i do not have to worry about living, basic needs or taunts of people and walking on warm sand or soft green grass makes butterflies in my stomach. I am tired of waiting... waiting makes me anxious.. I am waiting for the long cherished confirmation call, I am waiting for the unpublished result to get published, I am waiting for skyscraper cozy apartment, i am waiting for a long week beside the sea beach... I am waiting for learning the true meaning of life, I am waiting for this life to end and start the final happy life ..the real life... I am waiting for the moment when I can forgive and be forgiven finally...

The breath has been caught in my chest for a long period of time... and it wants to be freed.. and I am waiting ... patiently or impatiently... But I am waiting.